Tuesday, October 19, 2010
It's been some time...
I felt the need to write about myself today, for some strange reason. I don't usually get too many urges to write any more. The full time work life takes those creative urges out of you. If for a moment you have that brief, fleeting urge, the corporate machine will suck it right out of you. Lovingly of course. The corporate machine is there looking over you, looking out for your best interests - career wise... Of course.
Anyway, I suppose some of my hesitation writing in this blog again has been a lack of any creative content to add compared to those I follow, and reminding me of a disconnection to those I followed, and treasured in one way or another.
My life however, needs some talking about because it's so mundane it calls true the explanation of this very blog.
My life has been centre around my boyfriend, and work. While I love them both, it's pretty much the same thing over and over again, and I am getting a little restless, looking for that thing to mix it up a little.
I learned recently though, that all my efforts are in vein. I don't know what happen to all my friendships I have spent a lot of time, and effort creating and maintaining but they have fallen off the universe? It makes one wonder that if it weren't for your effort, they would not have existed at all? That's a depressing train of thought.
Perhaps what I am experiencing is difference, the impact of change on relationships and the like. It bothers me that people I considered genuine friends no longer share an interest in my life and what I am doing. There are those, of course, who like me feel that something needs to be maintained, but too much has happened for our friendship to be anything near as great as it used to.
I admit, I have changed. One massive change has been my relationship, being the first serious, somewhat mature aged relationship. This occupies time, but it certainly doesn't occupy my attention. While I do, knowingly and willingly, avoid certain activities to be with the man, I do not intend or attempt to neglect those around me. I also don't think that my relationship, and my distraction with it, to be so intense that the decomposition of other relationships would take place. I think it merely an excuse, should they choose to actually justify it to me.
Another thing I tend to experience recently with friends, is that in all honesty, introducing them to other friends is an awful idea. Particularly if they get along like a house on fire. But be careful, that first time they meet they may appear to hate each other. Leave it that way, I promise. I didn't and I worked on it... now it's a friendship I'm barely a part of.
Anyway, I'm pretty much whining and complaining. And is there anything more unattractive? If you dislike the cards that have been dealt, put them back in the deck and try again...
Wednesday, November 4, 2009
Regret is not necessarily healthy, but it has got to be normal. People always say live your life with no regrets. They are living in the now. Kudos. But when you’re living in tomorrow, you will look back at now and question if you could have been doing something different, something more worthwhile… something a little more stimulating, that could have improved your tomorrow, no? Is it not normal to make that kind of judgment?
So sure, another window will open, and another door will wait to be answered. Opportunity is always knocking they say. There is no point looking backwards, onwards and upwards! It is always positive, the future is always bright. Onwards and upwards! Well, what if? What if the future is not bright at all? What if because of your fallible decision-making skills, the future is nothing but a series of monotonous events you can predict even now? Forecasting the future is always imprecise, but what if the path you have ended up on, only goes one way…? What if there is no fork in the road to consider…? You can argue there always is, but a reasonable person will always choose the same ‘type’ of fork.
There’s no point getting down about it, they say. No point at all. Because you cannot change the past, you can only focus on your future, and making the most of it. Well what if your past, has literally destroyed your future? Naturally, you would live with regret. If you did not, then you are not human. Do not pretend to tell me you live with no regrets, when in fact, you simply must. Because you, like I, could not possibly be happy. For you, to be happy, would mean that you are content and comfortable with the way things are. This is a downright lie. How can you possibly ever be content with all that you have? What you have is never enough, there is always more.
The curse of the perfectionist is that nothing is ever good enough. And indeed, something can always be better, always be improved. The perfectionist thinks in these terms. They make great Quality Control managers. But in your own personal life, this school of thought is harmful. Being a perfectionist means that nothing, nothing in your life is ever going to be good enough. You will always be wanting more, because you know that there is more to have, a better quality of life that can be achieved. It might be Pareto improving, or it might not be, the quality of someone else’s life does not factor into your thought process – the simple fact of the matter is, there is always something better.
So on and on we go, where we stop nobody knows. Unless someone actually does, then that puts a bit of a spanner in the works. Oh hello formerly spoken of spanner, how are you today? Well, the time has come to put everything back into perspective again. I guess this means you must know what it is exactly you are putting into perspective…
When one does achieve what they have set out to, and achieved almost all facets of the goals they have established since they were a whippersnapper, one must set new goals. New goals that reflect who they have become. Begging the question, who have you become? Answer me this. The product of a capitalist system, driven by greed and personal gratification? Tick. The product of a financially questionable upbringing, compromising one’s own ability to manage money, despite education? Tick. The incapability to attracted, be attracted to, the right or sensible people? Tick. The ability to wing one’s way through life, and jump hurdles without knowing its height, length or width, unscathed? Tick. Thus, who have you become? What do all of these things tell you about oneself? I see luck, misfortune, depravity, ignorance, stupidity. I see coincidence, good fortune, good values. They are contradictory in nature, and in practice. Who have you become?
Monday, October 12, 2009
One of the main reasons I don't really like taking peoples advice is because it tends to irk me the possibility that you are not being given this advice in good-faith. I don't doubt either of these people, honestly, but one of them certainly owes me nothing more than another party concerned, so there is the chance of a conflict of interest.
Another reason I don't like this particular advice, is because there is no real timeline. It could be endless, it could end up with what I view as undesirable consequences. These consequences could just be a fact of life, the way it should be, or whatever common, normal label you'd like to put on it. But I still don't like it, and don't want that outcome.
Following other people's advice comes with risks. For some reason, I am following this advice and taking these risks. I don't really like it. But oh well.
Friday, October 9, 2009
O slumber, why must I awake from thee?
You callously ripped the innocent, fondest of all dreams
From thy humble hands, leaving me in this state!
Ok, so yeah I do not know what is up with that... But I just woke up from the best dream I have ever had. I'm not going to go into detail, that would be sharing much more than I care to with the world... But rest assured it was an innocent dream, as opposed to an R rated dream. And I am actually in mourning for it. I am so depressed by the fact I cannot see the dream to its end. I hate that I woke up :(
It was simply refreshing have this dream. It played out much of what I have wanted to happen. It turned one of my day dreams into pure fantasy of the sub-conscious mind. It was utterly amazing. It's putting your wildest hopes, into a fantastical world where anything and everything can happen, not hindered by barriers of reality. Hence why it was so good. Things I just wish could happen, can just happen - and they did. Oh. I want to live in that dream.
Wednesday, September 23, 2009
Anyway, the theme, purpose, and intent of this blog is to discuss New Years. This year I find myself in somewhat of a pickle with how I should bring in 2010. There are a number of reasons for this pickle, and I will detail them further, but I would like to also give you a bit of a run-down of the past few New Years Celebrations!
2008 - 2009
This New Year was spent in New York, in Times Square, the biggest party of the world!
2007 - 2008
I spent this with Aaron, crashing 'Green-shirt-Ben's' New Year party, and then going to some other random party in Dingley.
2006 - 2007
I think this New Year was spent with the 'Torquay Group' (Cazi, Nander, Katie, Jess C, Jess R, Kerry and Jenny) and their respective partners, I'm assuming. Pretty sure it was at Cazi's house.
2005 - 2006
This New Years was spent with the family (minus my sister who actually had a life), and a few family friends etc. that came over and made a street party out of the night.
And thus, my memory from hereon fades!
What can be taken from all of these past New Years is that I have always endeavoured to party, it's just been a question of the relative awesomeness of the partying. Without insult to the people who I spent them with, every single one of them sucked. What the hell is up with New Years being the most overrated party in the world!!! NEW YEARS SUCKED ABSOLUTE BALLS IN NEW YORK! It was freezing, thanks to the exclusion zone, I couldn't eat, drink (anything, not just alcohol), pee!!! It was horrible! While I loved the atmosphere of the city, it seriously sucked!
Since then, I decided that I need to have one awesome New Years. Just one, to make up for all of the rest. Therein lies my problem, or at least the beginning of my problems. I am determined to make this New Years amazing, but the people I envisioned myself spending New Years with have other plans which honestly, does not interest me one bit and I cannot think of a worse way to bring in 2010! Thus, I am now lost for what to do to make up for my lacking history of New Years Party's!
Saturday, September 5, 2009
I do apologise for the morose and melancholy blogs recently. Just had the thought, perhap epiphany even, that many important decisions in my life are governed by emotions, that frankly have no place in the decision making process. It has certainly led to irrational decisions, decisions that serve only social goals rather than the deeper personal ones. It irks me, yet I cannot seem to consciously avoid it.
So my followers, enlighten me. Have you found yourself in this position before? If you have, share your stories and perhaps even the secret to overcoming it! :P
Friday, August 28, 2009
I have, with all honesty, been attempting to plan out the rest of my life. I have put in a lot of hard work trying to secure myself some semblance of a relevant role next year, but thus far been unsuccessful. Apparently a good academic average, no fails, extra-curricula’s, work experience, internship experience, exchange programs, mentor programs… aren’t enough. I am not, however, disenchanted. I know this is common; I am not personally affronted by this fact, just annoyed that I have put all this effort in to receive little or no response.
There is always a door that can open, having said that, and naturally I find myself in front of many doors simultaneously. I can assure you, my legs are aching with the strain this very moment! I have had some discussions with my current workplace, and even a former workplace about my career progression, and to an extent, there is some hope there. Not all is lost!
Bearing in mind my ideas for some travel next year, it probably is not ideal I get myself into a full-time job where taking a few weeks leave is going to be frowned upon. Thus, I think that I have at least come to a decision, that should I not get into a graduate program (of those that are left to get back to me), and should I not decide to continue studying, next year will be my year off. I have studied continuously since the very day I started in prep (for those of you internationals [i.e Kyle :P], this is our first year of primary school). That was, I believe, 1994. That is essentially 16 years of study, with no significant break. So I think taking that time is good for my health, and sanity.
An opportunity has arisen however, and I do find myself questioning whether or not I should take advantage of it. Of course, in a capitalist system we are often brought up with the mentality that it’s a dog-eat-dog world out there, and if we want to make it far in life, we need to seize opportunities that are good for us, and make our mark on the world. I do buy into this mentality, what can I say, I’m a product of the capitalist system… but I am struggling on carrying this out. This opportunity is a good one, and will add value to my degree should I take it, but it is at the cost of perhaps better suited, more deserving people not having this opportunity. This irks me.
In addition to that concern, there are some personal feelings in there with some (one) of these people. That adds to my frustration in making this decision. I was told today that in the end, I need to think for myself, but be ready to take the knives out of my back – because people will be waiting to do it. TO be honest, I could not care less about most of the knives. It is just the one that worries me, and one that will inevitably be pounded right through my spinal cord, piercing my lungs… And that pain is one I do not think I am mentally fit to take.
SO as you can see, the future is imminent. It is very daunting, and I am a little concerned. But I must say, I do want a break, I need it. That is a part of the plan!
Sorry again for the delay since my last posting, I assure you, I will make more of an effort! :)
Saturday, April 11, 2009
To explain my unexplained absence from my blog, I will share with you all what has been, some of the most intense weeks of my life. First, I knew I was taking on quite a lot when this semester began. Being my final year, obviously I'm doing all of those things that add to the resume and make me a viable candidate for graduate positions. So amongst internships/volunteer work/casual job/classes/study/assignments ... I have had very little time.
To add to that, I had a very unfortunate experience, one that I would never like to relive or come across again. A friend of mine went under the radar, many weeks ago now, and among our circle of friends we were a bit concerned as it was very out of character. I knew he was a bit sick at the time, though he didn't seem that sick, so I did the hospital ring around to yield no results. Spoke to a number of people he was familar with, and even managed to get in contact with people I had only ever heard of but knew he was close to.
Unfortunately, it got to a point where I went to his house in the hope of finding something there, and what I found wasn't pleasing. Before you think I found his body or something, that's not quite right, what I did find was piled up newspapers, overfilling mailbox, and a car in the garage. The call was made to the police, not by me, I don't think I could have convinced myself that it was necessary, but lo and behold, he was found inside.
It was incredibly sad, as this was one of his worst fears living alone, that he wouldn't be found for days, or weeks. In our (his friends and I) defence, none of us wanted to believe this could have been the reason for him disconnecting from us all, we were all holding out some hope there was another reason.
So, the funeral was had, and it was very, very disheartening given the service hardly related to the person we knew. We then confirmed we would be having a memorial service, as he was a public figure among the gay community, and a very generous man in terms of his time and even with his money for many great causes in the gay community of Victoria. It was a very fitting night, albeit a bit expensive given the choice of venue, although I didn't spend too much.
In addition to all of this, I have been doing graduate applications like no tomorrow. I've been applying blindly to any graduate program, to increase my chance of having a job next year, given I finish my degree this year. So far, I have been selected to progress into the next stage for one of the programs, so here's hoping!
More recently, I have come to realise that I'm suffering some elaborate form of reverse culture shock. Naturally, I was prepared to some extent for a bit of culture shock coming home from Canada. I expected my friends would tire of me talking about Canada, and I understood that. Except that that's not so much an issue. I seem to have experienced some... hybrid version of this reverse culture shock. Rather than my friends being annoyed with me, I just can't seem to reconnect.
The foundations of these friendships have changed, or at least shifted to some degree, and I find myself; constantly, feeling the outcast. There is a number of reasons for this, but while my circle of friends is expanding and overlapping, most of my friends, regardless of which walk of my life they have come from, now have similar wants and desires. Except, they are the complete opposite of my wants and desires.
It's a bit depressing, but meh, I'll deal with it. In the meantime, I have no life. I live vicariously through friends who all seem to be doing exciting things, and I feel rather left behind... but anyway.
For those of you who want to know what happens to Johan, stay tuned, the update is coming.
Friday, March 6, 2009
Anyway, after the first 'date' with S, I was convinced it went really well, and that this could actually turn into something. I even remember writing a very cryptic blog on myspace, back in the day, about that fact. Because should this turn into something, I would have been changing so many things about myself, and taking quite a few risks, to do it. I came to the decision that I would do it, I would take that risk, or as I put it in the blog, I was going to jump off that cliff and I was going to pray to God the water was deep enough.
That was probably the worst thing I could have done. I had pretty much mentally taking myself off the market, almost practically imagining I was in a relationship with the guy that I haven't even dated for the second time yet. Sound a bit needy? Well I am sure that's exactly how I came off...and everyone knows, no one likes a needy guy....
So we made the plans for the second date, we were going to go to the drive in. And I was pretty pumped, no matter how old school that date was going to be! Anyway, so I'm getting myself all prettyyy, and I get in my car which I had just cleaned (come on, there are few times when I bother to clean my car but if we're going to sit in it for a while watching a movie, I better make an effort!). I begin to drive to his place, which isn't that far from me but nor is it that close... I get a msg from S telling me to hold up a bit because he's running late.
If my addiction to Will and Grace had taught me nothing, then it's no wonder I was oblivious to the fact I was going to be blown off. And that is exactly what happened. I ended up driving around his area for a bit waiting for the msg to say, hey I'm ready... which never came.
I gave up after an hour or so after the movie was meant to start. Sad? Yes. Incredibly. Looking back, I feel like an absolute wanker. But hey. So I when I got him he explained what had happened etc. It was a perfectly reasonable excuse, of which I had no reason to doubt its truth, in fact, doubting it vocally would have made me seem like the biggest asshole known to man, but there are times you just know when they are using something legitimate to get out of something, and this was one of those times.
After our conversation on the phone, he told me had to go but would definitely call me back before he went to bed to make another date. I found myself hanging on my phone for a very long time, falling asleep on my bed in the clothes I'd been in all day, waking up periodically to check my phone. I gave up at 5am!
I didn't hear from him for a few weeks... I got the point.
In more recent news, I went on a date this week. So we'll see how that goes before I start blogging about it.
Tuesday, February 24, 2009
Let me introduce you to S, my date. S and I met in a rather, somewhat, odd fashion. Firstly, through a random add on myspace did I see his face and the like, but not once did we talk on the internet. We actually met face to face, totally by chance, at a local club, straight one, one very drunken night at the beginning of the mid-year break at Uni.
It was a rather awkward meeting, because in my drunken state I had the courage to wave to the guy who's face I had recognised from myspace. He, it seemed, had no idea who I was. Until later in the night, by which point I assume he was sufficiently more intoxicated, had the courage to come up to me and start a conversation. This began a series of endless messaging each other, talking on MSN messenger until unGodly hours of the morning, and on occasion, long and expensive phone calls.
So came the actual first date. Which is so memorable, it took me quite some time to recall the actual first date. Anyway, we decided that because both of our times were rather limited, and both of us as broke as all hell, we'd cheap it out, go hire movies, get some munchies from 24 hour Safeway, and chill back at his place.
I drove to his place, and met him in the sober-flesh, which was all well and good, he was as I remembered him (perhaps a little bit more effeminate). We then proceeded to get in his car, and drive to the video store. When the very first problem of the date became evident.
Problem one: I was far too comfortable talking to him, revealing many things one would never reveal on a first date. There's an episode of Will and Grace that captures this error perfectly, "you have to try not to scare him with all the crazy at once, you've got to get him in and release little bits of crazy over time."
After this realisation, I made every effort to limit how much I was willing to share with the guy. But then came the next problem.
Problem two: The video store was closed! Obviously in our dilly-dallying around, we totally forgot that we met up at like 9pm, and all video stores in our area close at 10pm... and by the time we got there it was well after.
Naturally, we then had to decide what we were going to do instead. S came up with a nice idea of just hanging out, chatting and getting to know each other. I thought this was cute, and totally deserved merit, and showed that I had found one of the few guys that didn't want just sex out of me.
So, of course we ended up not moving from the car park, and chose to just sit in his car talking for hours. When problem one re-visited, I pushed my qualms aside and figured that this is the guy I want to talk about this stuff with, and if I'm comfortable enough, it says something.
But then I realised the next problem.
Problem three: S was not responsive, nor reciprocal in the entire sharing of my life story. Sure it stands to reason, no one should be that comfortable. I should have taken this as a hint, that things were going a bit awry.
After seven, what I thought were successful, hours. Our 'date' ended. I left feeling elated, and really excited.
Stay tuned for what happens next.